Comments about Devotional Sex
Emma's Comments
Emma and Michael started dating using Devotional Sex (see the real-life story of this here), and then lived together for a few months in a Devotional Relationship (see the real-life story of this here).
These are Emma's comments on how Devotional Sex worked for her:
The thrills and feelings of Devotional Sex
Emma says:
Devotional Sex for me was a great success.
I enjoyed that each action in Devotional Sex was a significant one in itself, and did not necessarily lead to anything else. Every touch took on new meaning and importance.
Devotional Sex made it possible to enjoy the moment and to be wrapped up in the touch rather than always thinking of the `next move´.
I liked the thrills and the feeling of power from being in control, of knowing that this would go as far as I wanted it to.
Further, as I could trust my Knight to not go further than I wanted to, I felt much freer to experiment. This all made it easier to count three breaths before suggesting a new action.
The act of control and submission was itself affirming. That my Knight cared enough for me to do something like that was tremendously empowering. It was in this caring context that his desires took on a new meaning - not as desires for sex in and of itself but as desires for our mutual pleasure and for caring for each other.
As we were never hurrying to a goal of orgasms and culminations, we could take our time. Our lovemaking was always very slow and sensual, deliberate and caring.
The dynamics also made it easier to share ideas and desires. My Knight could talk about what he wanted and make suggestions, and I could provide options and have him choose between those. This provided enough flexibility to reflect our needs, emotions, and physical state at any given time.
I enjoyed that each action in Devotional Sex was a significant one in itself, and did not necessarily lead to anything else. Every touch took on new meaning and importance.
Devotional Sex made it possible to enjoy the moment and to be wrapped up in the touch rather than always thinking of the `next move´.
I liked the thrills and the feeling of power from being in control, of knowing that this would go as far as I wanted it to.
Further, as I could trust my Knight to not go further than I wanted to, I felt much freer to experiment. This all made it easier to count three breaths before suggesting a new action.
The act of control and submission was itself affirming. That my Knight cared enough for me to do something like that was tremendously empowering. It was in this caring context that his desires took on a new meaning - not as desires for sex in and of itself but as desires for our mutual pleasure and for caring for each other.
As we were never hurrying to a goal of orgasms and culminations, we could take our time. Our lovemaking was always very slow and sensual, deliberate and caring.
The dynamics also made it easier to share ideas and desires. My Knight could talk about what he wanted and make suggestions, and I could provide options and have him choose between those. This provided enough flexibility to reflect our needs, emotions, and physical state at any given time.
How the demand and expectation for sex can
kill desire and damage a relationship
kill desire and damage a relationship
Emma says:
In South Park - The Movie,
Satan is in bed with Saddam Hussein, who only wants sex. "Sex,
sex, sex, is that all you can think about?" Satan cries. Satan tries to
get Saddam to love him, and finally ends up feeling useless and
rejected - feeling that Saddam merely wants Satan's body and does not
care about the whole person, the whole relationship.
This is, of course, taking an idea too far. But the satire clearly plays with the age-old dichotomy of relationships - "You only care about me as a sex toy, not as a human being. Why can't we talk, why can't we have a relationship?" The requests for sex are seen not as an affirmation of the relationship, but a destroying force, and you enter a downward spiral to the death of the relationship.
Coffee is a pleasant part of the day - nothing wrong with coffee. However, imagine if you were given only coffee to drink. Worse, imagine that your partner asked you to drink coffee even when you were not thirsty. He could even hold out coffee as an emotional demand - drink this and then we can talk. Drink this first and you may get another drink that you prefer. This would then put coffee as something to avoid.
Similarly, intercourse in a relationship is a good thing. It's a physical affirmation: two people joining together to please each other, to care for each other. But a diet of only intercourse is detrimental to the relationship. Further, when the man is continually asking for sex, it is hard to deny.
It's evening. You've had a busy day and want to relax, to think about the day, to just be with someone special. But if the someone special just wants sex, then sex becomes another duty, another imposition on your time and energy. It is pretty hard to enjoy the sensations when you just want it over with so you can rest!
After a while of this, it does seem as though the man does not care about what you are feeling, how you are reacting. Then serious doubts about the relationship can creep in and undermine both your - and his - self-esteem and commitment to each other.
This is, of course, taking an idea too far. But the satire clearly plays with the age-old dichotomy of relationships - "You only care about me as a sex toy, not as a human being. Why can't we talk, why can't we have a relationship?" The requests for sex are seen not as an affirmation of the relationship, but a destroying force, and you enter a downward spiral to the death of the relationship.
Coffee is a pleasant part of the day - nothing wrong with coffee. However, imagine if you were given only coffee to drink. Worse, imagine that your partner asked you to drink coffee even when you were not thirsty. He could even hold out coffee as an emotional demand - drink this and then we can talk. Drink this first and you may get another drink that you prefer. This would then put coffee as something to avoid.
Similarly, intercourse in a relationship is a good thing. It's a physical affirmation: two people joining together to please each other, to care for each other. But a diet of only intercourse is detrimental to the relationship. Further, when the man is continually asking for sex, it is hard to deny.
It's evening. You've had a busy day and want to relax, to think about the day, to just be with someone special. But if the someone special just wants sex, then sex becomes another duty, another imposition on your time and energy. It is pretty hard to enjoy the sensations when you just want it over with so you can rest!
After a while of this, it does seem as though the man does not care about what you are feeling, how you are reacting. Then serious doubts about the relationship can creep in and undermine both your - and his - self-esteem and commitment to each other.
The affirming dynamic of Devotional Sex
Emma says:
Having
a Devotional Relationship changes these dynamics and provides many more
outlets for physical affirmations of your relationship. It also
provides breathing spaces to develop the relationship over other
interests - to talk about each other's hopes and aspirations, fears and
longings, interests and fascinations. It is a way of respecting
the other's beliefs.
Funnily enough, however, Knights (and Princesses) tend to have a lot more physical touching and satisfaction in sex in the `controlled´ environment of Devotional Sex than in a relationship where the man is continually seeking sex.
When a Knight is `squirmy´ and his Princess does not want sex, the dynamics do not descend into the Saddam Hussein / Satan level of misunderstandings and recriminations. Rather, the Knight is pleased to serve his Princess in other ways and even a foot massage becomes tinged with erotic undertones. This can lead to other actions, but the essential knowledge that it does not have to lead to anything else can free the Princess to merely enjoy her Knight's touch, to talk about interests, and to deepen the relationship on many levels.
Funnily enough, however, Knights (and Princesses) tend to have a lot more physical touching and satisfaction in sex in the `controlled´ environment of Devotional Sex than in a relationship where the man is continually seeking sex.
When a Knight is `squirmy´ and his Princess does not want sex, the dynamics do not descend into the Saddam Hussein / Satan level of misunderstandings and recriminations. Rather, the Knight is pleased to serve his Princess in other ways and even a foot massage becomes tinged with erotic undertones. This can lead to other actions, but the essential knowledge that it does not have to lead to anything else can free the Princess to merely enjoy her Knight's touch, to talk about interests, and to deepen the relationship on many levels.
The Princess needs to accept that men are wired differently
Emma says:
Accepting
that your Knight is giving you a foot massage because he desires you
sexually - and that this desire for sex underlies the entire dynamic of
Devotional Sex - can be difficult.
We have to go back to the "men's bodies are wired differently" theory here. While it is sexist to say that women are at the mercy of their hormones, it is often true. Desire ebbs and flows throughout the monthly cycle. However, it is just as true that men are at the mercy of their hormones. In a Devotional Relationship they are at the mercy of their cycles of ejaculating or not ejaculating. When they do ejaculate they want to rest, and when they have many days of not being allowed to ejaculate they build up erotic energy.
Often, we expect partners to be mind readers - to know what we want, how we are feeling, what is enjoyable, what is irritating. I know what is happening in my body, it is an obvious part of the environment. So why then doesn't my partner know? These are of course, not reasonable expectations in any relationship. Yet knowing how the other person is feeling and reacting and what they want is vital to a Devotional relationship. Controlling the action without knowing how the other person is feeling at that moment will lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
If a man says what he wants too much it becomes pestering. For the man not getting the activity can feel like rejection (You don't love me because if you did you would do activity x for me...). For a woman it could be the start of a a downward spiral (You only love me because of activity x, not for who I am...).
This dichotomy can be avoided within Devotional Sex by acknowledging desires and balancing these desires within a sex life that both of you can handle. As the Knight has acknowledged that having sex all the time is an unrealistic scenario, so the Princess accepts responsibility for steering the action so that each party's needs (for the human touch, for sexual satisfaction, for talking and connecting, etc) are met.
This relationship dynamic puts the Princess in control of what happens, and it helps to have some prearranged structures for these actions.
We have to go back to the "men's bodies are wired differently" theory here. While it is sexist to say that women are at the mercy of their hormones, it is often true. Desire ebbs and flows throughout the monthly cycle. However, it is just as true that men are at the mercy of their hormones. In a Devotional Relationship they are at the mercy of their cycles of ejaculating or not ejaculating. When they do ejaculate they want to rest, and when they have many days of not being allowed to ejaculate they build up erotic energy.
Often, we expect partners to be mind readers - to know what we want, how we are feeling, what is enjoyable, what is irritating. I know what is happening in my body, it is an obvious part of the environment. So why then doesn't my partner know? These are of course, not reasonable expectations in any relationship. Yet knowing how the other person is feeling and reacting and what they want is vital to a Devotional relationship. Controlling the action without knowing how the other person is feeling at that moment will lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
If a man says what he wants too much it becomes pestering. For the man not getting the activity can feel like rejection (You don't love me because if you did you would do activity x for me...). For a woman it could be the start of a a downward spiral (You only love me because of activity x, not for who I am...).
This dichotomy can be avoided within Devotional Sex by acknowledging desires and balancing these desires within a sex life that both of you can handle. As the Knight has acknowledged that having sex all the time is an unrealistic scenario, so the Princess accepts responsibility for steering the action so that each party's needs (for the human touch, for sexual satisfaction, for talking and connecting, etc) are met.
This relationship dynamic puts the Princess in control of what happens, and it helps to have some prearranged structures for these actions.
Emma says:
Sex
is not well taught. I suspect that many women think that an
erection is a demand for sex, and fear that if sex is not forthcoming
the relationship will end. This can lead to sighs and bitterness -
as the expectation is that you will "lie down and think of England,
dear" whenever requested to.
The emphasis in most sexual relationships is on the activity itself - the intercourse or the active stroking rather than on the quiet spaces that make up the majority of your time together.
In a Devotional Relationship, the quiet spaces, the breathing times, can be the most erotic and sensual of all your activities together. A Princess can set up ritual spaces of quiet reflection that acknowledge her Knight's desire for his Princess (and his erection) without her either having to resort to resentful capitulation or putting up with his continual pestering.
Breathing times - prearranged restful positions that both people find arousing yet calming - are key in the Devotional Relationship. It can be a prelude to more but it doesn't have to be. They provide time and space for both people, to reflect on and enjoy the human touch and connection.
And the Princess's knowledge that nothing more is required or expected can free up her spirit and desire for more.
These breathing spaces can be as simple as holding his Desire (a Devotional Cuddle) or having the Knight rest his head on her pubic region (a Ritual Cuddle).
Simply holding his erection acknowledges the relationship and is a physical affirmation rather than a rejection. It provides an intimate space and time to discover each other. Knowing that nothing else need happen also frees both parties to simply enjoy the moment of connection and touching. Thus the simple act of Desire-holding acknowledges desire, returns affection, and helps the Princess steer the actions into something that she is comfortable with - and desires.
As this is a relaxing time without pressure, it can lead to more intense desires and actions. Devotional Sex includes prearrange signals to move on to more intense activities from these positions so a Princess can do this without words or discussion. (For example, with a Ritual Cuddle she only needs to open her legs to enjoy a Pleasure Kiss.)
Or a Princess can use these positions to talk about what to do next. She can ask her Knight what options he would like, consider these options and determine what level of activity she wants at that moment.
A Princess can also offer options that she would be willing to do at that moment, and let the Knight choose from those as he wishes. This further infuses actions with genuine desire as neither party is required to `perform´ to the other's demands.
As the Princess controls the action whenever she wishes, it is vital to check regularly into her Knight's condition. It may be easier to set up ritual ways or key words to discuss these situations, to provide for physical and emotional checks. You can ask how the person is doing - and it may be easier to set up key words ahead of time to determine the amount of desire and needs. You can set up codes or ways of asking for options and activities to check.
Setting up the habit of enjoying these breathing times requires frank discussions before any action is started, and discussions to determine how they will be done. You can see how the Devotional Relationship relies on and yet brings out more levels of communication than other types of relationships. These discussions banish mind reading expectations and help each person articulate and think through what they need and want and how they feel.
These types of communication can achieve what many therapists do, at a fraction of the cost!
The emphasis in most sexual relationships is on the activity itself - the intercourse or the active stroking rather than on the quiet spaces that make up the majority of your time together.
In a Devotional Relationship, the quiet spaces, the breathing times, can be the most erotic and sensual of all your activities together. A Princess can set up ritual spaces of quiet reflection that acknowledge her Knight's desire for his Princess (and his erection) without her either having to resort to resentful capitulation or putting up with his continual pestering.
Breathing times - prearranged restful positions that both people find arousing yet calming - are key in the Devotional Relationship. It can be a prelude to more but it doesn't have to be. They provide time and space for both people, to reflect on and enjoy the human touch and connection.
And the Princess's knowledge that nothing more is required or expected can free up her spirit and desire for more.
These breathing spaces can be as simple as holding his Desire (a Devotional Cuddle) or having the Knight rest his head on her pubic region (a Ritual Cuddle).
Simply holding his erection acknowledges the relationship and is a physical affirmation rather than a rejection. It provides an intimate space and time to discover each other. Knowing that nothing else need happen also frees both parties to simply enjoy the moment of connection and touching. Thus the simple act of Desire-holding acknowledges desire, returns affection, and helps the Princess steer the actions into something that she is comfortable with - and desires.
As this is a relaxing time without pressure, it can lead to more intense desires and actions. Devotional Sex includes prearrange signals to move on to more intense activities from these positions so a Princess can do this without words or discussion. (For example, with a Ritual Cuddle she only needs to open her legs to enjoy a Pleasure Kiss.)
Or a Princess can use these positions to talk about what to do next. She can ask her Knight what options he would like, consider these options and determine what level of activity she wants at that moment.
A Princess can also offer options that she would be willing to do at that moment, and let the Knight choose from those as he wishes. This further infuses actions with genuine desire as neither party is required to `perform´ to the other's demands.
As the Princess controls the action whenever she wishes, it is vital to check regularly into her Knight's condition. It may be easier to set up ritual ways or key words to discuss these situations, to provide for physical and emotional checks. You can ask how the person is doing - and it may be easier to set up key words ahead of time to determine the amount of desire and needs. You can set up codes or ways of asking for options and activities to check.
Setting up the habit of enjoying these breathing times requires frank discussions before any action is started, and discussions to determine how they will be done. You can see how the Devotional Relationship relies on and yet brings out more levels of communication than other types of relationships. These discussions banish mind reading expectations and help each person articulate and think through what they need and want and how they feel.
These types of communication can achieve what many therapists do, at a fraction of the cost!
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List of fictional stories | Real-life stories | Feedback | Chapter 15: Real-Life Experiences and Stories
List of fictional stories | Real-life stories | Feedback | Chapter 15: Real-Life Experiences and Stories