Her control is like a Sex Buffet

[Devotional Sex]

With Devotional Sex the Knight GIVES his Princess control over when something sexual or sensual starts, what activity, how it is done, when it ends, and what, if anything happens next.

Some women initially don't like this idea as it feels that they are then expected to make all the decisions about sex. Some feel that they already have enough to manage in the rest of their life so why should they have to now also manage their sex life.

The Sex Buffet analogy will, hopefully, show why her control isn't a burden within Devotional Sex. This analogy also shows how normal sex can suppress a woman's appetite for sex.

A buffet is when lots of dishes are lined up and each person selects what, and how much, to put on their plate. In this analogy it's a small plate so the person can keep visiting the buffet to get more of a favourite dish or to try something else.

For a Sex Buffet the dishes are sexual or sensual activities. So putting some food on your plate is selecting an activity.
The buffet includes different variations of each basic dish, and this is deciding how the activity is done.
The amount of food selected is how long the activity happens.

With normal sex, many long-established couples have a set routine for how they have sex. With the food analogy this becomes a set meal. If he suggests sex and she agrees, then it's like he goes up to the buffet and brings her back her usual plate. For most couples this plate has more intercourse than any other food (ie when they have sex they spend the most time doing intercourse) and it always includes his favourite desert of ejaculation.

Two things about this which are not good for her are that the same meal every time gets boring, and that if she feels like just one or two things on the plate but not the rest, then she either has to go without or eat all that is on the plate.

Some couples, of course, are more varied. But very often it's still the man who goes up to the buffet, and so even though she can ask for a dish, he still decides how it is done and for how long.

Devotional Sex does two things which combined make a huge difference.

The first is that she now decides when food is put onto her plate, what it is, and how much.

The second is that by the Knight agreeing to only rarely get his ejaculation dessert, he is always hungry. So he is always eager to eat when his Princess goes to the buffet and brings some food back. Though he is always keen for a feast, he very much enjoys even just a snack. What's more, given his hunger he is now keen for any type of food.

Devotional Sex doesn't set what activities take place nor how often. It's up to each couple to work out what works best for them.

So one possibility is that a Princess decides to have a meal similar to their old 'set meal', and to eat this about as often as before. In this case it's not really worth going to the buffet.

Part of the magic of Devotional Sex is that each Princess starts to explore different foods, different combinations, and a mix of snacks, meals, and feasts.

Every wakeup and bedtime there is the Devotional Sex Buffet in the bedroom. If she doesn't feel like anything then the couple will just cuddle or have a Devotional Cuddle. But if at anytime she feels like something to eat, she serves herself. If she doesn't feel like much of that food then she doesn't eat much (ie the activity soon stops). She may suddenly feel like eating something else, etc.

Usually the Knight's erection in the morning and at bedtime is enough for a Princess to know that he would love her to get something from the buffet. But a Knight is allowed to suggest foods. If he does then it's likely he will suggest something which he thinks she will like.

What is most common is that the intercourse dish is chosen about as often as before (though some take it off the menu), there are lots of snacks and meals without intercourse, and the biggest meal of the week gets much bigger (ie the longest session of the week lasts for much longer).

Most Princesses relish the opportunity to have the Pleasure Kiss dish as often and for as long each time as she wishes. There can be sessions where this is the only food (with a Devotional Cuddle at the end) or sessions with this and other foods.

Most Princesses also get to enjoy their orgasm dessert much more often.

Part of the magic of Devotional Sex is that as she changes her Knight's diet, his food desires change. So most Knights get such a taste for the Pleasure Kiss dish that they wish she ate it more often, and as they don't get their ejaculation dessert very often, they now enjoy giving her her orgasm dessert much more than before.

Part of the excitement of being a Knight is that he never knows what his Princess will decide. And one reason why he can't tell is that this is like a real buffet - often she has no idea of how a meal will go either.

So yes, Devotional Sex has the Princess decide what food to eat from the buffet. But this is very much like having a real buffet and choosing food. She doesn't always feel like eating a favourite food. There are things that are very much enjoyed occasionally, but only when she chooses to have it. And she has the freedom to visit the buffet to snack or feast whenever she wishes.

Rather than Devotional Sex imposing on the Princess to have to make the decisions of what happens, I hope the buffet analogy has shown that is is really normal sex which imposes on a women.

This is just my first draft. I'll improve it over time. To help me improve it I welcome any feedback.

Remember that this post is in the new PUBLIC part of the forum and so anyone can read it.

[yourpleasure]

I can relate to the Sex Buffet analogy with the knowledge that the Princess is pleased by the devoted eagerness of her knight to demonstrate his ongoing and growing desire for Her and his willing submission to Her for his reward.

I have been in a conventional relationship for over ten years which has grown to become a steady but largely platonic arrangement. Unfortunately, my would be Princess has long seen my unattended erections as a source of frustration for me and failure on Her part for not having my same level of desire for physical intimacy.

In large part I think to my selfishness and laziness as a lover she has never learned to really enjoy oral pleasures from me so Her view of sex has never been as a pleasure buffet for her but from the aspect of serving my pleasure. I very much would love to give back with more and change our sexual paradigm but there is both resistance to assuming a "Domme role" and reluctance to try something new.

[Devotional Sex]

Thanks for posting, and welcome to the forum.

I'm on holidays now and can't type easily, so shall write more when I get home.

A key difference between DevS and Dom/sub is that with DevS the women never needs to act or feel dominant. If she wishes for something sexual then she is allowing him to do this not making him do it.

Also DevS requires LOTS of communication and for both to want to do their role.

Perhaps someone else will say more soon to fill in more info.

[RevSir]

The point of a Sex Buffet is to allow her to make her choice of what she fancies, when in a restaurant, saying go on, go on, have the steak isn't really giving her the choice. Saying I'd be happy to pay for a steak if that's what you fancy is a very different offer. This is the real world challenge of dom/sub fantasies men have, they want her to be in charge - just so long as she makes the right decision according to his wishes.

Someone who goes to a buffet to pick food for themselves would not consider themselves to be dominant. It is where you pick food that you would like to eat. Picking food for someone you love is unlikely to be a dominating experience (unless the one picking the food is deliberately wanting to force the other to eat food of their choice), one hopes it is a loving experience where you pick food you belive they would enjoy. If it's a plate of food you're going to share then you pick food that you will both enjoy, some will be food he loves that she doesn't love as much, some will be food she adores but he can take it or leave it, and some will be food you both enjoy. Again experience suggests that women are better at making this all embracing selection of food than men (men can get better at it when they see her pleasure at eating food she loves but he wouldn't choose).

Devotional sex should be about both doing things to please the other, men tend to be less capable of doing this hence the beauty of him allowing her to decide what they do sexually and when he gets release, it means he is nearly always keen to discover what it is that she'd like, what would please her, how he can win her favour.

[Devotional Sex]

I'm back from holidays, and once again have a keyboard making it easy for me to type.

RevSir - thanks for your excellent explanation of the buffet concept.

yourpleasure - now that I'm home I can expand on my brief points ...

Devotional Sex only happens when both decide to practice it. In fact DevS is what happens when he keeps his four commitments and she keeps hers. And the starting point of keeping your commitments is knowing what they are and agreeing to keep them. So before you can start DevS there needs to be lots of communication and then a willingness by the least keen to give it a go.

In perhaps most vanilla relationships the man having an erection is felt by her as an expectation or in some cases even a demand for sex. If she is not in the mood she either gives in and satisfies him or, as in your case, sees your erection as you being frustrated and her failing to be a satisfying partner.

The way many vanilla men deal with this is that they don't let her see most erections and only make a sexual approach when they feel that something might happen.

It's only once a women becomes relaxed and comfortable with her Princess role that his erection changes from a demand/expectation of sex to simply him showing that he desires his Princess. With DevS this is desire without any expectation of immediate activity.

As RevSir said, a woman doesn't need to act nor feel dominant to choose food from the buffet. So thinking of DevS as a form of Domination and Submission is to misunderstand the dynamic. This doesn't matter if you both enjoy some Dom/sub. But when doesn't want to be dominant then she is going to be put off DevS.

If you want to discuss this more then please do step two of joining the forum and become a member to access the bulk of the forum.

[mrmusing32]

This conversation is a year old and I'm the new guy here.

THANKS for leaving it up where I would find it!

I just learned about "devotional sex" as a term (and a website) today, and have spent a long time reading Dev/s' work.

Then took a nerve-wracking step and sent the one-page overview to my wife and asked her to read it and talk with me about it.

The first guy's story IS my story! My wife has seen my desire as me being frustrated or her "not performing." She's been angry if she's caught me masturbating...but never curious: "What are you thinking about?" or anything like that.

In 2023 we had sex TWICE all year. It's the middle of March this year and it has not happened at all yet this year--though to be "fair" she did surprise me late one night while we were traveling. It just didn't work out.

The Buffet analogy is EXCELLENT! And the other guy's explanation drew it out well also.

I am hopeful that THIS is a dynamic that my wife will be willing to explore. Ours has been a sexless marriage for a VERY long time, long over 10 years, and it IS extremely frustrating.

Even more so that she refuses to have conversations about sex.

So often while reading the Devotional Sex website, I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with the idea: I would be quite happy with sexual ACTIVITY even is it were not "sex" and knowing that SHE is in charge of my orgasms.

Somewhere on the site there was mention of a puppy. So much like a puppy--in fact we almost got a puppy this past weekend. In accepting the puppy she would ALSO be accepting caring for the needs of the puppy: food, going outside. She would not get mad at the puppy needed food or needed to go outside. Likewise, perhaps with this dynamic she will see that her being in charge of my urges, because I have voluntarily entrusted them to her, she can then "walk the dog" at a schedule that works for BOTH of us instead of having a dog that is always barking at the door whenever he wants.

I am hopeful that this Devotional Sex dynamic will open communication between us.

Thanks for expressing the idea so simply and so well.

[Moderator - mrmusing32 forgot how to log back in, and so started a new account with the name Mrmuse51. So see Mrmuse51 for his later posts.]

[Devotional Sex]

Welcome to the forum mrmusing32

I'm sorry to hear just how sexless your marriage has become. There are many other couples who are the same.

Even more so that she refuses to have conversations about sex.

The reasons for this could be that she thought that such a conversation would just be you saying you wanted sex more often, and she now thinks of sex as being just about your getting release.

Now that you are proposing something different which focuses on her pleasure as well as on intimacy and connection I very much hope that she is at the least prepared to talk and find out a bit more about DevS.

As the buffet analogy says, for every session every activity is optional. It may help with your wife to also let her know that some activities can be taken off the menu. For example, with 20% of couples who live DevS (across all ages) the Princess had decided that Joy (intercourse) is off the menu. With many DevS couples she has decided that Desire Kisses either don't happen at all or only very rarely.

You could suggest starting by having some sessions where you give her a sensual massage and then all that follows is a Devotional Cuddle.

If a Devotional Cuddle would be too intimidating for her then you could say that to start you will keep your underpants on, and so it is massage then cuddle. You are of course allowed to be aroused, but she is free to ignore your arousal. Then one day she might want to touch you over your underpants, and you can slowly work up to a Devotional Cuddle.

Some women very quickly grasp the idea and feast on the pleasures. But at the other end of the scale there are some women who have old ideas of what sex and what activities can and can't happen that it can take years for some pleasures to start to be enjoyed.

Devotional Sex only continues when you both want it to, and this requires you to both feel certain that you would be happier with DevS than without. Given that the bar is extremely low for you at the moment, even just a little increase might make a huge difference. Just building and then maintaining some erotic intimacy should make a huge difference to your whole relationship, and this is about sharing and appreciation of energy rather than lots of activities.

Please reply to the how to become a member topic with your application to become a member and you will get access to many years of forum posts.

Good luck!