This topic is for discussing what most now think and feel is usual sex in the 2020's. Of course there is huge variety, and what is 'usual' sex may differ with age and whether you are dating, in a newish relationship, or have been married for decades.
My early sexual experiences were in the late 70's and early 80's. In Australia porn was highly regulated and never showed erections or real sex (think of a 1980 edition of Playboy or Penthouse). So subconsciously I have probably been thinking of these innocent times as my basis of 'usual' sex.
We have now had decades of hard-core porn being available for free on phones and computers. Perhaps most under 40 had viewed porn before they ever had any real-life sex, and so porn acted as their sex education. For those who did have real-life sex before viewing lots of porn, many will have now been watching porn for decades, and so porn will have changed their feelings and expectations about sex.
These days many think of sex outside of a relationship as an opportunity to have porn style sex, and there is a recognition that relationship sex is different. But when porn has been their sex education, I now suspect that for many relationship sex is milder porn sex.
As well as changing what people think is normal sex, porn has changed what people think of kinky sex as well. For example many now think that real-life BDSM (including Female Domination) is the strong fantasies pushed by porn and don't know about how kink was practiced in the days of Safe, Sane and Consensual). So, for example, some now think that "The Sub is there for the Mistress’s pleasure not the other way around" and thus the sub should not receive any pleasure and he should just submit to whatever the Mistress wishes.
In a forum a man who had been married for decades wrote "My wife won't let me have sex. We can only make love." So for him what he sees in porn is 'sex', and the relationship ship 'vanilla' sex he has with his wife doesn't count.
If the starting point is having sex which is party or significantly based on porn, then the difference between this 'usual' sex and Devotional Sex is much bigger, and the benefits even greater.
The downside of porn being the base is that it will be much harder for people to be able to visualise the new world of Devotional Sex. Devotional Sex is an antidote to porn, but to want to take an antidote you need to see the problems of porn and be attracted to the alternative.
One problem with discussing this is that when what is viewed with porn is thought of as normal, and thus has become something you do when you have sex, it's hard to comprehend that things really are different from decades ago. For example choking has a common activity has only come about because it appeared in lots of porn. So, from an article in The Guardian, a young man writes:
When I met Kali I had already slept with quite a few women, but my main reference point for sex was porn. I thought Kali wanted me to pull her hair and put my hands round her throat during sex, but about a year into the relationship she told me she didn’t. I never particularly enjoyed doing those things either, they’re just moves I thought were part of a “normal” sexual repertoire.
So what is 'sex' in the 2020s?
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