Magnificent Sex, Flow, and Devotional Sex

[Devotional Sex]

I've just started reading Magnificent Sex - Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplztz and A. Dana Ménard. I've only got as far as the beginning of chapter two, but as I think of forum posts as works in progress, I'm sharing my first thoughts at this early stage.

Magnificent Sex reports on research into peak sexual experience. This is a breath of fresh air as sex research and sex therapists almost always just focus on problem sex and feel they have fixed things if the get a couple back to conventional sex. They mention that the common problem which is most difficult to treat is lack of female desire, and they go on to suggest that lack of female desire can be an appropriate response to sex that isn't worth wanting. This gives one reason to look at sex which is desirable sex, and to explore what makes up peak sex.

In their interviews they found that when people were asked about good sex, great sex, and peak experience, they were all able to naturally distinguish these peaks from their just good or great sex. They found that there are many ways to get to this peak, but what made it a peak - magnificent sex - was much the same for all.

They identified 8 major components needed for this peak. The book says:

The first major ingredient or component of magnificent sex is the feeling of being completely present, immersed and absorbed in the moment as it unfolds. This feeling of being utterly engrossed was frequently cited as the major difference between great sex and merely average or even very good sex. It stood out as the first and most prominent element emphasized by almost everyone.

A little bit later they write:

A few people compared this sense of immersion in the experience with Csíkszentmihályi’s description of “flow”, that is, “the state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so enjoyable that people will do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it” (1990, p. 4). (Ironically, Csíkszentmihályi has stated on several occasions that he did not believe that sexual activities are likely to lead to flow states. No doubt, extraordinary lovers would disagree strongly.)

For a quick summary of FLOW (not a new concept to me, but I wanted to check) I asked Gemini (Google's AI chat):

What is meant by the state of mind called flow?

Flow state, also referred to as being "in the zone," describes a mental state of complete absorption in an activity. It's a positive psychology concept characterized by several key aspects:

Complete Immersion: You're fully focused on the task at hand, excluding distractions and worries. Time seems to slip away, and you lose awareness of your surroundings.

Energized Focus: You experience a feeling of energized concentration. The challenge of the activity is balanced with your skill level, creating a sense of control and accomplishment.

Enjoyment: You derive intrinsic enjoyment from the process of the activity itself. It's not just about the outcome, but the experience of being fully engaged.

Clear Goals: You have a clear sense of what you're trying to achieve, and you receive immediate feedback on your progress. This helps you stay motivated and focused.

Sense of Mastery: You feel a sense of mastery and control over your skills. The difficulty is appropriate, allowing you to push your abilities without feeling overwhelmed.

Here are some situations where you might experience flow:

Athletes performing at their peak
Musicians completely absorbed in playing
Artists creating a work of art
Anyone fully engaged in a challenging and enjoyable activity

Flow states can be incredibly rewarding. They can lead to increased productivity, creativity, and overall well-being. If you're interested in learning more about how to cultivate flow in your own life, there are various resources available online and in libraries.

From now on everything is my opinion unless stated otherwise. Perhaps the book is going to make some of my points later on. Or perhaps the book will change my mind on some things.

Flow is clearly very different from just very strong sexual lust, which is another time where someone can be so focussed on fulfilling their basic sexual desires that "nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so enjoyable that people will do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it". At worst for a male strong sexual lust can lead to sexual assault or rape, and that is the opposite of magnificent sex / Devotional Sex.

When flow is reached this is one component of reaching the peak. But this doesn't just happen. A couple need to be doing things which creates and supports this environment. Being near the summit makes it much easier to get the peak when everything comes together just right.

Right from the start the book makes clear that there are many pathways to reach the peak. Why I think the book will be very relevant to my writing is that I think Devotional Sex is a new pathway.

Given the quote from the creator of the term "flow" not thinking sex would count, I asked Gemini:

Can the state of flow happen during sex?

Yes, the state of flow can absolutely happen during sex! In fact, research suggests a connection between flow and sexual satisfaction https://emilyjamea.com/psychology-today ... uring-sex/. Here's why:

Shared Focus: During sex with a compatible partner, you can become completely immersed in the physical and emotional sensations, shutting out distractions and worries.

Energized Engagement: The physical act of sex itself can be energizing, and the challenge of pleasing your partner and yourself can create a sense of control and accomplishment.

Intrinsic Enjoyment: Sex can be a deeply pleasurable experience, and the focus is often on the joy of the activity itself, not just the end goal (orgasm).

Clear Communication: Nonverbal and verbal communication with your partner can provide immediate feedback, keeping you both engaged and focused on each other's needs.

Heightened Sense of Connection: Intimacy can create a strong sense of connection and trust, allowing you to feel comfortable and confident in your abilities.

If you're looking to cultivate flow during sex, here are some tips:

Open Communication: Discuss your preferences and desires openly with your partner.

Reduce Distractions: Put away phones, silence notifications, and create a calm and comfortable environment.

Focus on the Present Moment: Be mindful of the physical sensations and emotional connection you're experiencing.

Shared Goals: Work together with your partner to create a mutually pleasurable experience.

By focusing on these aspects, you can increase your chances of achieving a state of flow during sex, making it even more enjoyable and fulfilling for both partners.

(I love that Gemini gave a reference, but to read the full short article you need to go HERE. She references her article in a journal, which deplorably is only available if you pay US$53.)

I think the Gemini response is a great description of what DevS can create for a couple. They how and why are different for the Knight and the Princess, but the state and benefits are the same.

I would love to hear your thoughts about the relationship with flow and DevS. Have those who have tried DevS ever experienced this or something close? Is this a good way to explain the difference between DevS and conventional sex?

Note that this topic is in the part of the forum which can be read by anyone. See HERE for how you can reply to this post (which can be totally anonymous).