Continuing with this raw brain dump (ie this is all very draft) ...
With a Devotional Relationship the Princess 'exploits' her control and his eagerness to enjoy all the sensual, sexual and intimate pleasures she wishes. But this is balanced by her also having to keep him equally happy. Part of the magic of DevS is that there isn't much that has to change to keep him equally happy.
Counselling for a sexless marriage will also aim for sex where both are equally happy.
During a sexless marriage (when she is the one not wanting sex) she has got to the stage of feeling that sex is just about his pleasure. She doesn't look forward to any sex which happens, and when sex happens she wants it over quickly as she isn't enjoying it. This reinforced her feelings that sex is all about him.
Going from 'all about him' to 'equally happy' is a big improvement. But she will naturally have doubts about his long term commitment to keep her equally happy. And if the couple go back to doing sex the way they did when they were last having sex at least once every two weeks, things could easily degenerate back to sexless.
The first stage of using DevS to revive a sexless marriage is thus a very different situation from a sexually active couple starting DevS. From a sexless marriage everything needs to be rebuilt. Thus the commitments for a couple to practice DevS to rebuild are different from other situations.
So for the first stage she should focus on her pleasure, and there is no requirement for him to be equally happy. Devotional Sex is about each being devoted to the other, and your rebuilding is about regaining intimacy and connection. So her focussing on her pleasure doesn't mean that she can act like a selfish dominant. So when something happens a part of this is her seeing that he enjoys this. But what happens and when should be totally based on what she wishes.
The starting point for activities, as with normal sex counselling for this situation, is massages and cuddles - all clothed and no touching of any sexual parts (Desire, Pleasure, her breasts). With DevS she decides when something will happen, can give instructions for it to happen the way she wishes, and she decides when it ends. He fulfills her wishes (as long as he is willing to do it at that time).
At each step the restriction on activities continues until she is totally relaxed about enjoying these pleasures, and doing these things feels like your new 'normal'. He will feel eager for activity, and so she should start to learn that he will do as she wishes to start something. She learns to relax with what is happening as she knows nothing further will happen, she learns to enjoy the activity for as long (or short) as she wishes, and she learns that when she says "Fini" (an optional DevS term for him to stop an activity) that he will do as she wishes.
At the start the menu of activities from which she can chose is very small.
Once the thrill of the new from doing the current activities has been replaced by a feeling of this is your 'new normal', then when she is ready she decides which new item will be added to the menu. You both get the thrill of the new thing, and this new activity is fully enjoyed before you move on the next. Then
once the thrill of new ... etc she adds another activity.
One thing for her to learn is that just because a new thing is on the menu doesn't mean that there is expectation that this should always happen. DevS is all about her deciding what happens according to how she feels at the time. So even in a Devotional Relationship she can enjoy a back rub in bed followed by just a cuddle, and nothing else happens that night.
With DevS a Knight can suggest an activity. But when doing so he needs to first get a feel of whether or not this will annoy her. With DevS some women like to take control and so very little that happens arises from his suggestions. With some couples living DevS most of what happens arises from his suggestions. As with all DevS, how often he makes suggestions should depends on what works best for her.
The exception when she doesn't like him making suggestions is with massages. If she arrives home tired and stressed she isn't likely to be thinking of her Princess powers. So if her Knight offers her a foot massage then it shows that he is caring for her and she may accept. Similarly if she is tired and stressed when you go to bed, if he offers her a back massage this is likely to be appreciated.
The other activity in the menu at the start is cuddles. She will know that he always wants a cuddle. And she will only want a cuddle when she feels like it. So him asking if she would like a cuddle can feel like he is pressuring her.
Note how the DevS dynamic is being set up with just massages and cuddles. Thus once you move to some sexual activities the DevS dynamic will naturally apply here as well.
With the staring exercise (under both counselling and DevS) it is fine for either to feel arousal. What is important here is that, at this stage, it's not acted upon. Taking things further will happen later on in the process.
With conventional sex when the male is aroused in bed the women can feel that this is an expectation for sexual activity. With conventional sex that activity is whatever foreplay you usually do, intercourse, and then his ejaculation. If she feels like sex then she will enjoy his arousal. But when she isn't in the mood for full sex, she is likely to feel pressured.
With a sexless marriage his arousal when he is in bed with her will have her feeling even more pressured and so his desire for her generates negative feelings.
DevS significantly changes the feel of his arousal as both know that if activity happens then (most of the time) it won't end in his ejaculation. Also what, if anything, happens with DevS is totally up to her. If she wishes she can enjoy a 20 minute Pleasure Kiss, an orgasm, and end things with just a Devotional Cuddle. She can also decide for no activity other than a cuddle, and just enjoy the cuddle and feeling desired by her Knight.
So a huge change from a sexless marriage to DevS is her gradually learning that his arousal no longer holds any expectation for activity. One reason to take lots of time with the early steps is for her to gradually lean to at first accept, and then enjoy his arousal. If she hasn't got to this stage when you start to include some sexual activities then the old feelings of his arousal being an expectation for more might return. So take it as slow as necessary.
More on which things can be added to the menu, and the role of Princess and Knight at the start of this process, in future posts.
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