DevS improving a Sexless marriage (her not wanting sex)

[Devotional Sex]

If you are in a sexless marriage due to her having low desire then Devotional Sex can change both of your lives for the better.

There are many definitions of a 'sexless marriage'. One is that sex happens 10 or fewer times per year. For this discussion I'll use that sex happens less than every two weeks with him wanting it to happen more often and her not wanting this. So this discussion will also be relevant for those who are not officially in a sexless marriage but don't have much sex.

One solution is to go to couples counseling with someone who specializes in sex. A counselor may define success as getting you back to 'normal' married sex with foreplay, then intercourse, happening about once a week. But this can fail to fix the biggest problem which is that the sex isn't a significant mutual pleasure for you both.

Using Devotional Sex to improve your sex life has similarities with many of the the things a counsellor will recommend. But it also has some big differences. The biggest difference is how you will judge success.

DevS isn't about how often you have intercourse, but the quality of your erotic intimacy - both the quality of the activities you do and the quality of the intimacy and connection you feel in your overall relationship.

DevS takes away for the focus on Joy (intercourse). Most couples who practice DevS don't have Joy most sessions. And 20% of those living DevS (ie always practicing it) don't have Joy at all! The couples who don't have Joy, perhaps surprisingly, have both him and her as happy overall with their Devotional Sex life as all the couples who do include Joy. This happens because the couple who don't have Joy gain enough pleasure and satisfaction from what they do to keep them both very or extremely happy.

The way a sexless marriage is talked about it carries the assumption that the problem is her lack of desire. But what is it that she doesn't desire? If the sex that you have been having for the last many years doesn't give her any pleasure, doesn't make her feel connected, and that doesn't turn her on, then her lack of desire is an appropriate response.

Where DevS excels is that it provides a new way of doing things where she can explore and discover what she enjoys, and as she starts to enjoy what is happening her desire naturally returns.

Before you can start Devotional Sex:

The first thing is for the man to read about DevS so that he understands how it will work. It is vital that he commits to giving this a go, and that when he is doing DevS that he keeps all his commitments. It's possible that she will quickly see the benefits of DevS and that you will both fairly quickly start to explore the joys of DevS together. Many have described this as a second honeymoon which is even better than the first. But at the other end of possibilities is that improvement will be a very slow process. Even if he is a perfect Knight she may sometimes take backward steps. And when this happens it is even more important that he maintains his role. If she is uncertain about all of this, and he breaks his commitments, then that may be enough for her to give up totally.

Note that part of how you progress with DevS will be ensuring that the Knight has realistic targets. So, for example, unless she jumps enthusiastically into her role, the Knight might still be able to masturbate and ejaculate when alone.

One of the joys of things improving slowly is that every small improvement becomes a big event. And enjoying the little progress you have made at each stage feels really significant. So he needs to be prepared to focus on the improvements and what is happening.

Long term DevS can only happen if you both feel that you are better off doing DevS than not, and that the rewards from DevS more than make up for the effort needed to keep things working. The rewards from practicing DevS are compared with what would happen if you went back to your normal.

When your normal is a sexless marriage, you may find that even if you don't get anywhere near the sex life of other couples who practice DevS, the rewards and pleasures of what you do enjoy are so much better than your old normal that you are both very happy to have at least made a significant improvement.

Getting her onboard

Devotional Sex is all about building and maintaining erotic intimacy. 'Intimacy' is not just another way of saying intercourse. As said above, it's possible that Joy won't happen. And what does happen will be done in a very different way from before.

So DevS requires him to be so keen to restore erotic intimacy that he will become her Knight and let her decide what happens and when.

And most importantly in this situation, it requires her to want to restore and then enjoy erotic intimacy.

DevS is a mindset where lack of erotic intimacy in a relationship leaves a massive emptiness to the relationship. Note that having conventional sex once a week where she just lets it happen and wants it over quickly is just her letting him use her for masturbation. So there is no erotic intimacy.

Unfortunately some relationships will have got to the stage where she has no interest in restoring erotic intimacy. Perhaps as the difference between erotic intimacy and sexual activity is better understood, she will eventually agree that it would be good to try DevS. But DevS will only work if she is open to enjoying your first explorations.

How things will be different will be shown later when I say how DevS can get started when she is very much not wanting to go back to the old way of having sex but is open to exploring erotic intimacy.

If she has no interest in trying to restore erotic intimacy I recommend that you seek marriage counselling.

The next posts in this topic will be on how to best introduce the idea of DevS and erotic intimacy to her. Later posts will look at the many ways that you can both start to explore this new dynamic.

This has been written fairly quickly. I may go back and edit this.

I welcome any further questions or comments.

Note that this topic is in the part of the forum which can be read by anyone. See HERE for how you can reply to this post (which can be totally anonymous).

[Devotional Sex]

Before he can tell her about Devotional Sex he needs to share his feelings about her and the marriage and what is important to him.

This is probably along the lines of how he felt at the beginning of their relationship and marriage. How wonderful the intimacy and connection was. How much he desired her and the joy of feeling desired by her. How special this all was. etc

Then he talks about this fading way. That he still loves her just as much, if not more, than before. That he still finds her beautiful and desirable. But all the intimacy and connection has gone, and he deeply misses this. He must accept blame for his part in how things have fallen off the tracks. Accept that when they do have sex these days that it's disconnected and empty. etc

Then he talks about wanting to reignite erotic passion, intimacy and connection. That this isn't about just having sex more often, it's about desiring and appreciating each other like you did before you first had sex. etc

This is the big reset to your relationship. At this stage you have not talked about how (ie DevS). That will be the last part of this communication.

The timing and situation of this communication must, of course, be optimal. Given that it may be emotional it is probably best done at home when you both have the time and privacy.

There are three ways to have this communication:

One is to write her a letter. A problem here is that she may not read it and feel your commitment to want things to improve.

Another way it to sit down and have a talk. But that can be difficult to get everything across.

The third way was used by a forum poster - he told her that he had written her a letter and he would like to read it to her. He wrote that this was a very emotional experience for both with tears etc.

The way you give her the letter or start the talk is critical. It needs to be announced as something special and important but not threatening. Perhaps give her flowers, and tell her that you have written her a letter that you would like to read to her when she is ready to hear it.

I'm sure that some readers would love to see the letters that others have written to their wives. But as this part of the letter is so deeply personal this is something which I doubt any forum member will be willing to share.

WARNING - If you open your heart to her and do this in the best way that can be done, it's always possible that her reaction is a cold dismissal. This would feel absolutely devastating. If you think that this cold rejection might happen then you should prepare for how you would respond if this happened. One way is to accept that change is very unlikely and just accept this. Another is to say that this is such a key issue for you that you think that marriage counselling is needed as if you don't work through this the marriage may/will end.

If you didn't get a cold rejection, then the second part of this communication is a few words about DevS and how you think this would be an effective way forward.

How best to tell her about DevS depends on your history together, the way you are having sex and intimacy at present, and what you guess she is likely to like as a next step.

When there is a system a male can fall into the trap of wanting to tell her all about it and how it all works. This is likely to be far too much and too soon for her. You need to be prepared to answer any of her questions, but otherwise tell her just what she needs to know. I can write some examples of this later.

Usually with a sexless marriage even though sex does happen a few times a year, erotic intimacy disappeared from the dynamic many years ago. So, as would be recommended the sexual counsellors, the first step forward is to restore sensual intimacy, then erotic intimacy, but to not have any sexual activity as you do this.

Note that this topic is in the part of the forum which can be read by anyone. See HERE for how you can reply to this post (which can be totally anonymous).

[Devotional Sex]

Continuing with this raw brain dump (ie this is all very draft) ...

With a Devotional Relationship the Princess 'exploits' her control and his eagerness to enjoy all the sensual, sexual and intimate pleasures she wishes. But this is balanced by her also having to keep him equally happy. Part of the magic of DevS is that there isn't much that has to change to keep him equally happy.

Counselling for a sexless marriage will also aim for sex where both are equally happy.

During a sexless marriage (when she is the one not wanting sex) she has got to the stage of feeling that sex is just about his pleasure. She doesn't look forward to any sex which happens, and when sex happens she wants it over quickly as she isn't enjoying it. This reinforced her feelings that sex is all about him.

Going from 'all about him' to 'equally happy' is a big improvement. But she will naturally have doubts about his long term commitment to keep her equally happy. And if the couple go back to doing sex the way they did when they were last having sex at least once every two weeks, things could easily degenerate back to sexless.

The first stage of using DevS to revive a sexless marriage is thus a very different situation from a sexually active couple starting DevS. From a sexless marriage everything needs to be rebuilt. Thus the commitments for a couple to practice DevS to rebuild are different from other situations.

So for the first stage she should focus on her pleasure, and there is no requirement for him to be equally happy. Devotional Sex is about each being devoted to the other, and your rebuilding is about regaining intimacy and connection. So her focussing on her pleasure doesn't mean that she can act like a selfish dominant. So when something happens a part of this is her seeing that he enjoys this. But what happens and when should be totally based on what she wishes.

The starting point for activities, as with normal sex counselling for this situation, is massages and cuddles - all clothed and no touching of any sexual parts (Desire, Pleasure, her breasts). With DevS she decides when something will happen, can give instructions for it to happen the way she wishes, and she decides when it ends. He fulfills her wishes (as long as he is willing to do it at that time).

At each step the restriction on activities continues until she is totally relaxed about enjoying these pleasures, and doing these things feels like your new 'normal'. He will feel eager for activity, and so she should start to learn that he will do as she wishes to start something. She learns to relax with what is happening as she knows nothing further will happen, she learns to enjoy the activity for as long (or short) as she wishes, and she learns that when she says "Fini" (an optional DevS term for him to stop an activity) that he will do as she wishes.

At the start the menu of activities from which she can chose is very small. Once the thrill of the new from doing the current activities has been replaced by a feeling of this is your 'new normal', then when she is ready she decides which new item will be added to the menu. You both get the thrill of the new thing, and this new activity is fully enjoyed before you move on the next. Then once the thrill of new ... etc she adds another activity.

One thing for her to learn is that just because a new thing is on the menu doesn't mean that there is expectation that this should always happen. DevS is all about her deciding what happens according to how she feels at the time. So even in a Devotional Relationship she can enjoy a back rub in bed followed by just a cuddle, and nothing else happens that night.

With DevS a Knight can suggest an activity. But when doing so he needs to first get a feel of whether or not this will annoy her. With DevS some women like to take control and so very little that happens arises from his suggestions. With some couples living DevS most of what happens arises from his suggestions. As with all DevS, how often he makes suggestions should depends on what works best for her.

The exception when she doesn't like him making suggestions is with massages. If she arrives home tired and stressed she isn't likely to be thinking of her Princess powers. So if her Knight offers her a foot massage then it shows that he is caring for her and she may accept. Similarly if she is tired and stressed when you go to bed, if he offers her a back massage this is likely to be appreciated.

The other activity in the menu at the start is cuddles. She will know that he always wants a cuddle. And she will only want a cuddle when she feels like it. So him asking if she would like a cuddle can feel like he is pressuring her.

Note how the DevS dynamic is being set up with just massages and cuddles. Thus once you move to some sexual activities the DevS dynamic will naturally apply here as well.

With the staring exercise (under both counselling and DevS) it is fine for either to feel arousal. What is important here is that, at this stage, it's not acted upon. Taking things further will happen later on in the process.

With conventional sex when the male is aroused in bed the women can feel that this is an expectation for sexual activity. With conventional sex that activity is whatever foreplay you usually do, intercourse, and then his ejaculation. If she feels like sex then she will enjoy his arousal. But when she isn't in the mood for full sex, she is likely to feel pressured.

With a sexless marriage his arousal when he is in bed with her will have her feeling even more pressured and so his desire for her generates negative feelings.

DevS significantly changes the feel of his arousal as both know that if activity happens then (most of the time) it won't end in his ejaculation. Also what, if anything, happens with DevS is totally up to her. If she wishes she can enjoy a 20 minute Pleasure Kiss, an orgasm, and end things with just a Devotional Cuddle. She can also decide for no activity other than a cuddle, and just enjoy the cuddle and feeling desired by her Knight.

So a huge change from a sexless marriage to DevS is her gradually learning that his arousal no longer holds any expectation for activity. One reason to take lots of time with the early steps is for her to gradually lean to at first accept, and then enjoy his arousal. If she hasn't got to this stage when you start to include some sexual activities then the old feelings of his arousal being an expectation for more might return. So take it as slow as necessary.

More on which things can be added to the menu, and the role of Princess and Knight at the start of this process, in future posts.

Note that this topic is in the part of the forum which can be read by anyone. See HERE for how you can reply to this post (which can be totally anonymous).

[Devotional Sex]

Many couples who enjoy a conventional sex life and who take up DevS start this by doing the occasional Season. They both agree to do the Season. He becomes her Knight, she his Princess. She enjoys the sensual, sexual, and intimate pleasures of her role. And he enjoys enough activity for him to be equally happy. When, after a week or two she has him ejaculate, the Season ends and they go back to normal.

Clearly such a burst of activity won't work when starting from a sexless marriage.

For this special situation something different is required.
I recommend that he commit to always being her Knight so that:
he will always fulfill her sensual and sexual wishes within what he is willing to do at that time,
he never ejaculates when with her,
he manages his own energy setting his own Seasons (ie learning to not ejaculate very often),
he teaches himself to focus on her pleasure (thus no porn), and
he is fully open and honest with her regarding his feelings about being her Knight.

She always has Princess power over him, and she:
is committed to exploring this dynamic and moving things forward (albeit at the pace which works for her,
to only use her control when she wishes to have something happen or to enjoy the dynamic,
when something happens she focuses on her pleasure but in a connected manner,
to always at the least accept her Knight's arousal (whilst feeling relaxed that nothing needs to happen because he is aroused), and
after activity ends to use his energy for intimacy (eg a cuddle) and not leave him feeling rejected.

As things improve they may get to the stage where a Devotional Relationship is possible and you both agree to do this.

If you go straight to this then the first time that she has him ejaculate when with her can signify that from then on he will only ever ejaculate when with her and when she decides. And in a Devotional Relationship she gets the other commitments including that she keeps him equally happy.

There can be some intimidate steps between him never ejaculating when with her to him only ever ejaculating when with her and when she decides. As always it is what works best for you both.

I strongly recommend that he starts learning the Eastern Calming Techniques (see website and for even more the Multi-Orgasmic Man book). So he starts ejaculating less often (as if he were a Knight with her) and he learns to control his energy with long meditative Desire Play sessions ending without ejaculating. This means that he will hold energy most of the time. It also ensures that when he gets aroused with his Princess he has better control over his energy and is used to ending activity without ejaculating.

As part of resetting his thinking I advise that he gives up all porn (if he is viewing it), and makes his Desire Play fantasies start to focus on his Princess. He starts to reprogram his brain to become very turned on by the little activity which happens with her.

Note that this topic is in the part of the forum which can be read by anyone. See HERE for how you can reply to this post (which can be totally anonymous).

[Devotional Sex]

Where will you get to?

As mentioned earlier, the worst outcome is that when you approach her about wanting to reconnect with erotic intimacy and her she has no interest.

The best outcome is that she is keen to give DevS a go, and that either quickly or over time, the amount of activities on her menu increases, and you end up having at least 2 or 3 sessions a week. (A session might be just her playing with you or it could be just you giving her a Pleasure Kiss.) After these sessions, and other times, you also both enjoy some Devotional Cuddles. At the right time you can both agree to move to a Devotional Relationship where you will only every ejacualte when with her and when she wishes.

But what about if she is willing to give DevS a go, things progress slowly, and eventually stall? DevS has worked in that she has decided what activities can sometimes happen and what never will, and it has worked in that she is using DevS to enjoy all that she wishes. Your problem is that what she desires is no activity most of the time, and not much happening when something does.

If you are lucky she might use her control to give you some pleasures sometimes mainly because she wishes to please you. Perhaps this is just some Desire Play every once in a while. If you are unlucky she may not be bothered about your strong desire for more activity.

You are both a long way from forming a Devotional Relationship as she has no interest in managing when you ejaculate, and there isn't enough activity for you to give her such control.

If you continue with DevS then the one change is that if she ever wishes to have your ejaculate she can have this happen.

If you do continue with DevS her interest in sex may have a few peaks and a few lows. So DevS is great for her feeling relaxed and happy to have more things happen when she is in the mood.

If you find yourself in a very low activity DevS situation and this doesn't look like it may change, what can you do?

One option is to give up on DevS and go back to what happened before. Perhaps every few weeks/months you can convince her to satisfy you by her letting you have intercourse and ejaculate. Unless she asks to do DevS again, you will both be stuck in the same sexless marriage situation you were before.

The other option is to continue with DevS. Her choosing when and what happens means that she can choose something which she finds ok or not too bad, and perhaps she will get pleasure from pleasing you. And of course this dynamic enables to have happen anything she feels she will enjoy if such a mood takes her.

The old way might give you the occasional intercourse and ejaculation, but you are doing this to someone who you know would prefer not to be doing it. This isn't just a lack of connection, it's using the other person without regard to their wishes. It's not rape as she consents. But it is just a physical release and the opposite of intimacy.

Perhaps some sexless marriages are her not wanting sex most of the time, but every once in a while she feels enthusiastic and the sex you share is mutually enjoyed. So everything I write is general and what is important is what applies to your situation.

Continuing with DevS means that only the activities she wishes will happen, and so Joy may never happen. But as whatever happens is her choice, there is some intimacy and connection.

With DevS she knows that if she starts an activity and decides she doesn't like it, she can change activity or end all activity. Also it being normal for him not to ejaculate at the end means that starting something doesn't have to lead to the usual ending. So one advantage of continuing with DevS is that if she ever feels like doing more or experimenting then she can do so and give you a very pleasant surprise.

The final alternative if trying DevS leads to very little activity is just forget about having any sexual relationship with her.

Personally I would continue with DevS as this makes clear to her that I do desire erotic intimacy and that her pleasure is important to me. It also enables her to have more happen if she ever wishes. I wonder what others would do?

This post is yet another brain dump getting some ideas down.

As always I very much welcome any feedback or questions.

Note that this topic is in the part of the forum which can be read by anyone. See HERE for how you can reply to this post (which can be totally anonymous).

[SupplicantKnight]

This is a very thoughtful treatise. That's very well done!

My wife and I have had a few conversations (spell check seems to want to go to "arguments") regarding DevS.

She has been reticent to read the site, because it's porn. Because it discusses sex, it's porn. And because there is "control" and "surrender" then it's kinky, which is even worse.

One of my fears is that she will choose to "try" the Princess role, and in that role her choice will be "no activity at all," which of course I've agreed to as her knight. That's one of my fears.

Many years ago, after sex that she had seemed to really enjoy, I told her that I would like to be teased/ played with and NOT ejaculate. She became angry about the "kink," got dressed and drove away from home for a long time.

I am NOT inclined to share with her my ideas regarding sex, for that kind of blowup again.

[Devotional Sex]

It's wonderful to get a reply and to start a discussion!

This is a very thoughtful treatise. That's very well done!

I'm pleased my 'brain dump' worked for you. One day I'll refine it all to be a better read and to take into account the feedback and questions.

My wife and I have had a few conversations (spell check seems to want to go to "arguments") regarding DevS.

She has been reticent to read the site, because it's porn. Because it discusses sex, it's porn. And because there is "control" and "surrender" then it's kinky, which is even worse.

There are two issues here - you wanting her to read the website and her feeling that such talk is kink/porn.

For DevS to work it is essential that one person reads and fully understands the website. This enables them to decide whether or not they can commit to giving it a go, and it enables them to guide their partner.

I wrote the website, yet one of my partners almost never looked at it. I asked her why, and she she replied "I don't need to read the website because you can tell me all that I need to know and you can answer all my questions."

When only one person studies the website it is essential that they read it from not just their point of view, but how it works for their partner. If you partner asks you "but why do you like this?" you should be able to give a good answer. But the focus is on how things start and their role.

When introducing DevS to a partner who hasn't been interested in sex for ages the focus should be on the first steps. For example when I introduced a date to Devs the focus was on what we could do that evening - not on how DevS would be practiced if we became a couple and lived it.

The second issue was her thinking this is kink/porn.

There are two parts to this. Firstly does she feel that any talk about sex is porn? Secondly, if it is possible to talk about 'conventional' sex without this discussion being porn, is DevS kinky?

Some people think that 'sex' is intercourse. And a woman who thinks this and doesn't like intercourse may thus decide that she doesn't like sex.

Many couples have intercourse in a disconnected physical way. Porn is all about performance and focus on self. In a stale marriage intercourse can feel to her like being used to enable him to masturbate inside her. Neither may know what the other person thinks and feels about it.

DevS is very different. It's about sharing erotic intimacy. It's both not only focusing on how they feel but on how their partner feels. Like tantric sex it's all about connection.

What happens when a couple living DevS and having an active sex life find themselves in a period of time where one is unable to feel sexual (eg due to illness, stress, etc)? With a normal couple the sex life goes on pause. But most likely for the Devotee couple they will continue to have a morning and bedtime cuddle. The healthy one is allowed to feel desire. The other enjoys feeling that their partner still desires them, but of course has no expectation of any activity other than the cuddle. The intimacy of these cuddles is actually more important, and felt at a deeper level, than the sexual activities.

If sex is thought about only as a necessary physical act for a husband and wife to make a baby then sex outside of this need will be regarded as a sin. But if nature/God wanted us to behave that way, we could be like the many animals where the female goes on heat for a short time each year, sex happens a few times during this short period, and then that's it until next year. For humans the erotic connection is what holds a couple together. Without it a couple is either just friends or business partners.

DevS is one way of restoring erotic connection which enables this to be done without full sexual activity.

Many years ago, after sex that she had seemed to really enjoy, I told her that I would like to be teased/ played with and NOT ejaculate. She became angry about the "kink," got dressed and drove away from home for a long time.

I am NOT inclined to share with her my ideas regarding sex, for that kind of blowup again.

Tease and denial is part of the kinky world, so I agree with your wife that this is kink. (I don't' agree with her reaction. A simple 'no' would have done.)

DevS isn't about tease or denial. Rather than man is taking the Tantric and Taoist view that a man can have a better life and relationship if he ejaculates far less often than before.

A women can understand the Devotional Dynamic here very well on a first date. When I tell her I practice a technique where I don't ejaculate with a date they will of course think that this is very strange and different. But they won't at all feel that they are denying me as it's clearly me that is 'denying' myself.

They also see that I love being aroused, and so anything they have happen which builds or maintains my arousal is PLEASING me. It's not teasing (a negative for most women).

One of my fears is that she will choose to "try" the Princess role, and in that role her choice will be "no activity at all," which of course I've agreed to as her knight. That's one of my fears.

Her agreeing to try DevS should mean that she also wishes to rebuild erotic intimacy and connection. So the minimum for it to be DevS is for her to sometimes allow you to cuddle her in bed and for you to be aroused. She can relax that nothing further will happen unless she decides. But as your Princess she has to at the least accept your arousal.

If this doesn't happen then she isn't accepting her role or, in reality, wanting to restore erotic intimacy. Unfortunately that is always a possibility.

The hope is that if you start with chaste but aroused cuddles, she will start to enjoy your desiring her. This can lead to her deciding to have something happen which is either focussed on her pleasure or she is happy to have happen to give you sexual pleasure.

This is already a fairly long reply, so I'll leave it at that for now.

I very much welcome questions and further discussion.

[RevSir]

A massive problem for beginning Devotional Sex for a man who has experienced little or no sexual activity is to recognise his desire to have sex, to want Devotional Sex to bring about a magic solution that increases the amount of sex he gets whereas the fear of SupplicantKnight of her decision to engage in zero or minimal activity is a very real possibility - something that means Devotional Sex is not happening (rather than not working very well), the princess needs to make sure her knight is at least reasonably happy. So the decision to have no sex means it's not Devotional Sex.

The very understandable desire for more sex for him will mean it's all about him and not her. Him wanting to give her a pleasure kiss lots is still about him, if that's what she wishes then great, but if not then it is about him. Somehow naming that reality has to be the first step for him before he can start to truly ask the question of what would she like.

[Devotional Sex]

As RevSir says, her deciding that nothing will ever happen is NOT Devotional Sex. It's just another way for her to deny him any activity.

One of the benefits of using DevS to reignite a stale or sexless relationship is that SHE decides which activity or activities to start with.

If the first thing done is to just enjoy some cuddles in bed during which he is aroused, then she will hopefully start to feel inspired for what she wants the next step to be.

She might want to focus on his arousal. Perhaps the next step his her deciding to touch him over his underpants, and for her to both please him while also emjoying her power to give him so much pleasure without her really doing anything. This may continue to Desire Play etc.

Of course she can go the other way. When a man introduced a date to DevS I've found that many love going to bed with him wearing his underpants, for her to never touch his underpants, and for both to enjoy cuddles and him giving her lots of oral sex and orgasms.

I think that standard sex therapy might assume tht that the best way is for a balanced approach so that it works up to her touching him and him touching her. DevS encourages an UNbalanced approach where she decides to focus on either her or him moving forward in what is done. DevS also enables her to end up with a fairly unbalanced mix of activities - for example most Devotees spend more time enjoying Pleasure Kisses than any other sexual activity, and most spend very little time with Desire Kisses.