Chapter 7 - Kali

I take a deep breath and put our dinner down on the table. Telling Sarah about how awful last weekend was has given me inspiration to do something. I want to reconnect with Adam.

‘How are you?’ I ask Adam hoping to begin a conversation with him.

‘Fine.’ He replies curtly. ‘How is one supposed to enjoy a nice meal when you’ve got to keep stopping to answer inane questions?’

It was a risk trying to engage him in small talk, he never has been very good at it, but I’m going to persevere.

‘You like your dinner?’

‘Yeah, it’s OK.’

He said he wanted to enjoy a nice meal, so he thinks it’s nice, or does he just want to shut me up. I’m not giving up that easily, not yet. Time to try another tack.

‘Did you have a nice day at work?’

‘It was OK I guess. Matt closed a really big deal so we are all grateful to him that the company is still selling and we get to keep our jobs.’

‘He must be pleased with himself.’ I say encouragingly, I try to see if we can keep a conversation going.

‘Yeah, I guess he is. What’s with all the questions?’

‘I would like to have a conversation with you. We’ve been together for over 10 years now and we don’t seem to talk much anymore.’ I’m losing him. ‘Can’t I be interested in your day?’

‘You can, but it’s all very boring.’

Adam is just not interested. My hope fades. A silence falls between us, except for the noise of us eating our food.

I look at our empty plates, is this it, I’ve had my food and there’s nothing left. I pick up the plates and take them to the sink. Really, this is all I’ve got, things used to be better, surely they can be again. Sarah said she had a fabulous husband. I want a fabulous man as well. I ... want ... a ... fabulous ... man.

I look around at Adam. He doesn’t see me, in any sense of the word. When was the last time that he actually noticed me? We share a house, have a child together, eat together, even sleep in the same bed, but where’s the relationship? Are we still together. Does he love me? Do I love him? Yes... absolutely, I love Adam, but I miss him. We have to make things better, I want to make things better, surely he’ll agree with that. OK, it begins now.

‘Adam, I’ve been thinking for a bit now. The spark has gone out of our relationship. I want to try and reignite it. We should be making love far more often.’ There I’ve said it, it’s over to him now.

Adam freezes, he probably wasn’t even listening. I wait for his response. I wait. The tension rises, I start to panic.

‘YOU ... want ... more ... lovemaking?’ He spits the words at me. ‘You’ve always got an excuse as to why it doesn’t happen. You are always too tired. Tracey has kept you up. You’ve got too much to do. It’s too late. Not tonight. Or any other excuse you can think of. You want more sex. Don’t make me laugh.’

The color has drained from my face. What have I said? Why did I say it? I should have just put up with no romance. I turn back to the sink and stare at the empty plates.

I'm hungry. I have only said what I feel. If this relationship is going to have a future then we will have to be more honest with each other however painful that might be. I take another deep breath and turn back to face him.

‘Yes. Me. We have sex a few times a month but when was the last time we had any intimacy? When did you last do something romantic for me?’ There now I’ve put the ball back in your court mister.

‘Perhaps if you were in the mood more often we could be more adventurous, try new things, do different things. Once a month is a pathetic sex life. So yes I’m up for more sex but don’t promise what you’re not going to deliver.’

Bastard. Why does he always manage to hit me where it hurts? I turn back to the sink and see those bloody plates again through the tears welling up in my eyes. I need to think. OK, so he wants more and I think that means there is some hope, not much maybe, but some.

‘You wait until it’s late and we’re going to bed to sleep and you start pawing me hoping to get me to let you in. I need more than a three minute grope to get in the mood.’ I try a softer approach offering some guidance.

‘I obviously need more practice, but until we have more sex I won’t get better and no more sex until I’m better so I can’t win can I.’ The indignation in Adam’s voice clear.

‘If we could take our time, slow things down a bit, I’d...’

‘Slow... things... down...’ Adam cuts me off. ‘If we slow down any more we’ll stop completely.’

‘I mean not wait until it’s late, start earlier in the evening so I can feel aroused. Then I’ll enjoy it more and I’ll want to have more lovemaking.’ This is proving unbelievably hard. Shouldn’t we be able to talk more easily? Why on earth did I start this conversation?

‘I thought you enjoyed sex. You always seem to have a good time.’ He makes the statement with just a hint of a question in his voice. Where is this going? Where is he going? If I suggest that I don’t enjoy sex with him then it’ll all be over.

‘Yes. I usually enjoy it when we have sex.’ I reply.

 I feel lost, I... I want to encourage sex, but need more than what I’m currently getting. ‘I just think there should, could be more passion.’

‘You tell me when you want more sex and I’ll be ready.’ Adam closes the conversation down, gets up and goes to the study. He leaves the ball very clearly in my hands.

Could that have gone any worse? I wanted something better, something more, and ended up supporting what I’ve already got. I have to do all the work to change while he just carries on regardless.

I sit down and the tears flow.